On the occasion of the 99th birth
anniversary of Mrs Sessy Paulis of Sirimal Uyana Ratmalana
When I met my adorable mother in law
Mrs Sessy Paulis, she was about 70 and I was 19 so actually more than a
mother-in-law, she seemed like a grandma to me too which was wonderful since I
didn't have one of my own close-by. She was a very graceful and elegant figure, usually in light blue sarees with a string of pearls which she wore when
visiting. What stood out at the first impression was one of a very loving,
compassionate, and genuinely caring lady of class and standing, who also knew
to bond with any strata of people. Since I was a very young daughter-in-law I’m
very happy to say that I learned a lot of things from her, and I'm very sure
that her lessons of kindness and tolerance live on through me as much as they
do through her own children and grandchildren. I was comparatively
impressionable and vulnerable at that age, so I do believe she adopted me at
once as another happy addition to her large family of 8 children, 6 in laws and
what would become about three dozen grandchildren. My earliest memories are of me
sitting in her front lawn as she had captured me after a bath and her gently
trying to get some order out of my hair, which those days was much like
the curly haired character in Brave. She would patiently oil it and
scrunch it, which made it remotely manageable, to my surprise.
There were so many valuable
lessons she taught us including;
- Mettha
to all, and so much love for her family—Now I look back on the
wonderful relationship we had, and though we went through lot of changes
and challenges in life, I cannot remember her having spoken one harsh
word, or hurt my feelings ever, and how many people, even from loving
families, can one say this about? Aunty was a true Buddhist gentlewoman in
every meaning of the word. Aunty would love to meet all her relations, who
themselves were very loving and genuine people from down south (Dondra
people from Pinkanda) and if we ever went travelling down south or to
Kandy or to Anuradhapura we had to meet a blur of dear humble people who
loved her and spoke of her as a kind of legend. My own family was a
western-educated, nuclear family with all manner of grudges against its
various relations, but she always advised me that family is precious and
her favourite motto ever was “forgive and forget”. Aunty always without
fail remembered the good people did, and made sure to forget any wrongs
she may have noticed. From her I learned to always seek the good in any
human, and to give people chances.
- Karuna and true humility
she told me not to call our workers “servants” but to call them helpers.
There is a lot of meaning in this. She has always spoken with kindness and
respect to anyone, including those working in our homes, be it a gardner,
plumber or attendant. This is a trend modern people do follow, but you
will agree it was not common in her generation.
- Muditha Aunty
was genuinely happy at the good fortune of other people, and would brag on
their behalf. This was the same if it was family, relatives, friends or
neighbours. You always heard the nice updates! And all of this before the
words “positive thinking” became buzz words!
- Genuine upeksha in
all she did. Aunty exemplified non attachment, balance and tolerance in
all her relationships and dealings. I learned from her not to judge people
simply because they were going against social expectations. Not to judge
based on class or rank or financial status, but to be tolerant of peoples
failings and search for the good in them. And as to material things, she
clung to nothing ever, with another motto being “ we will all be letting
go of this and going one day” (api mey siyalla ataralla yanawa ne
kawadahari). I knew her always as a simple smiling lady happy with a
few pastel colored sarees, one pearl necklace, one beige handbag, a pair
of spectacles, and a couple of pairs of usually beige slippers. She hung on to no
possessions whatsoever. She also stoically and cheerfully bore any pain,
hardships and even significant calamities, such as the complete loss of the
family fortune with the Kantalai Dam disaster of 1986, which sounded like
merely a passing phase from how calmly she described it.
- A love of babies.
Aunty had quite a few of them herself,(eight!) without any hangups at
all,and only had happy and fun filled stories about each experience, and
then she also had a huge boat load of grandchildren (I think about 27 at
the last count) and loved each and every one of them that she could get
her hands on (and the diaspora ones too!). None of our new-fangled family planning there, each little human was treated as a blessing and an amazing new
wonder to be mollycoddled and pampered until she reluctantly had to let go
of them to their parents. Of course it may not be practical in this day
and age, but she lived in a time when this was possible and she basked in
the sheer delight of each addition to her brood, and then grand-brood and
after some years, the great-grand-brood too! Aunty was a truly happy and lucky matriarch indeed!
- A love of this planet.
Aunty was one of the first environmentalists I knew even before that word
became fashionable. She loved working in the garden for hours, and this is
probably one of the secrets of her living to 97 in a hale and hearty
physical state She would potter in plants, grow flowers of all hues, and
carry huge kalugal around making various esthetic arrangements. All
coconuts we ever ate over the last 3 decades were from trees she had
planted and tended. She would stop and look at a green bean in earnest
when we were cleaning them to cook, and appreciate the farmers of our
country by commenting on how much effort it took to make even a few beans
which we just go out and buy. She would not allow us to waste even a few
grains of dhal or rice washed away, not because of the cost of
it, but in appreciation of the labour that went into growing food, and
also the many who went without. She always conserved water and made sure
to recycle even old clothes to take the maximum use out of them. She made
thrift and food management a virtue and also from around 7 or 8 years old
since she heard a sermon of Ven Narada, avoided meat, fish, and eggs and most dairy products, (except for
during a childhood illness when she was compelled by family members to eat
fish to “get her strength back”). Unlike the egotistical vegans
of today she never imposed her diet on anyone else, or lectured or boasted
about it, except for a gentle bit of advice if she felt that someone would
take it. It's only becoming clear to us, now, with all the modern hype
about the health benefits of veganism, that this too must have been one of
the secrets of such a long and healthy life. She was one of those dear old
ladies who took a tiny bit of sugar onto their palm with tea, instead of
stirring in heaps of sugar, and anyway she always preferred hakuru
if there was any. She also stoutly defended her right to be allowed to
cook with coconut oil and refused to have anything to do with palm oil and
all the other synthetic stuff that commercials were trying to force on us
in the 90s, because, in her opinion, “we used to eat baskets full of kavum
and kokis at weddings those days and all of us ate coconut oil and nothing
bad happened to anyone! “ (referring to village weddings) and, what do
you know, she was right after all! She woke daily around five a.m and kept
herself busy and active into her 90s, always finding at least some bit of
light housework that she could do even if it was washing and sorting the
tupperwear or drying pepper seeds in the sun, or helping make some of that
awesome billin achcharu . So busy did she insists on being, in fact
that she fell one day, and cracked a hip around 94, but as graceful as
ever, fully healed and walked around fine for years after that too. At 73
one lovely memory was climbing Sigiriya with her in the lead, and my
adventurous daughter dangling between us like a swinging baby monkey at
the age of two...I like to think that my daughter has inherited from her,
the love of adventure, travel and meeting people.
- A love of life itself.
There is no denying that there was family strife in her life in her latter
years, as always there will be some external factors to break the peace in
any home….but that never kept her angry or downcast. I can only
remember a quiet happy humming as she pottered in the garden and greeted
each new day with the same wonder and delight with which she danced on the
beach, climbed mountains, or ran nimbly after toddling grandchildren. And
yet, Aunty was never afraid to leave this life either, and prepared
serenely to let go of life with the utmost grace too. A few months before
she died she had a rather uncomfortable bout of gastritis and was briefly
hospitalised (which actually had happened only about two or three times in
all the 26 years i knew her), and the doctors ran every known test they
could on her and came up with about 100 pages of reports, all absolutely
clear, and with a completely clean bill of health. No diabetes, no cholesterol,
perfect heart function.... With the gastritis incident we had all started
visiting her because we instinctively felt worried that she was in pain
and that she may depart this world soon, but even then she made the usual
jokes, and was very cheerful. Some months later, shortly before her 98th
birthday she died unexpectedly, quietly and peacefully in her sleep. The
last words she said to us were a cheerful blessing as we visited and left.
We
treasure that blessing always, and in my heart I fervently hope that
I will meet her again, in another
incarnation, that she will guide me in future too. The fragrance of her loving
presence will always linger with us, as a brave, beautiful and inspiring person we were truly blessed to have known.
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