THE SMILE

Love. Pain. Life.Hope- sometimes you need a bit of encouragement to go on.

When I return to Ceylon, no matter how old I get there is one place I must see.

And no it is not an endangered archaeological site or a famous land mark, since they are around and will be taken care of by the authorities and I do not need to check on them. But from time to time I visit an ordinary temple in a modern suburb, the sort of place you don't need to write home about, peaceful incense tinged, floor tiled sort of edifice with multitudes of Araliya trees and Jasmine bushes and the usual stray cats and dogs wondering contentedly around, where stands a particular stone door guard who captured my heart a long time ago..

I come to see a statue, a oversized cream coloured sentinel who guards the temple doors fixed eternally in standard pose, dressed in fifth century Indian ornaments , with his long hair tied up in ancient head gear. He has sightless eyes which look nevertheless deep into your thoughts and seem to take a hold of your fear and take it gently away for you.

And a smile I cannot begin to describe

And this sentinel awaits eternity with this smile which is at once tender, strong, comforting, and warm to me, a smile that left my burden of pain at that threshold when I passed through, and promised me hope in the future not too distant.

Temple sentinels are installed to take the duty of keeping evil from entering. This one somehow seemed to understand my torment as I sat on the stone steps crying at dusk. This one seemed to listen to my thoughts. There was no one else for me, but an eight foot block of concrete I presume, sanded smoothly to a beneficent radiance by drunken local masons, smiling sightlessly in the moonlight, at the woman in white who called over daily to sob away her pain.

Pain is a part of a human being, and I have since accepted that. There were days when I was young and innocent when I felt I could barely handle it.

Women have always been granted larger capacities for pain, and often bequeathed with more suffering because of their womanhood.

For a woman pure at heart and in body the accusation from her lover that she was unfaithful is sometimes the worst pain that can ever be imagined.

Blows, beatings and torture cannot come close to the trauma of one careless unfounded accusation of infidelity to a traditional Asian woman who has been moulded all her young life to being a dutiful, loyal and obedient partner to the person she considers her lord and master.

My husband, the man I loved and honoured next to my father, the man chosen by my father to look after me since I turned nineteen, the man I trusted, adored worshipped and placed on a pedestal as more precious than the deities I prayed to- turned into a monster within a few months, a stranger who abused, battered and finally spoke the words I could not bear to listen to. And there was no one to vouch for me, no one who could listen to me, without judging me, I sometimes felt –no one but the cold sentinel with the kind smile.

Sometimes I would sit far across the sand, watching that statue.

Sometimes when I sat crying alone, maybe in the kitchen maybe in the bathroom, where no one could find me, sometimes as I contemplated even ending it all, I would see that smile and feel the warmth.

On bright days I would imagine what it would be like to be the consort of that handsome, smiling guardian, on dark days I would wonder if there was a soul trapped in that stone perhaps by sorcery, as I could not be that smile was inanimate…

Well, time went by and I did not fade away , I made it through that dark spell, lost my naïveté and left the man who made me cry.

I have since left the land, found freedom, found contentment and helped many other women in their times of sorrow. Often it amazes me at how they let the people they love hurt them to distraction in the name of love. Are we that desperate to be accepted and needed ? Is it that difficult to find a caring smile?

Now when I return to the stone sentinel I return his smile, not minding what watching people may be wondering.

Its a secret we share, and his smile was right, I would make it through