MY QUANTUM PORTAL TO HELL

Fifteen years of messing with proposals and deadlines and an uncoordinated head office- and this was officially the last straw that broke the camel's back.

This cartoon is from Morten Morland Times

So last week my team told me they were all working feverishly on a deadline to submit a bid to the United Nations supplier portal. You just have to upload it, they said. It will be ready very soon and we still have a day more, they said. Only you can do this techy part, they wheedled. 

Well, I do know a thing or two about USAID and EU submission portals online, so I was suitably uncomfortable. The previous year a colleague and I had been struggling till 4 am in the morning ( which was a more reasonable time in New York) fighting with dodgy broadband and the tedious UN Atlas portal but we had had about a week to get familiar with that. Even then I had vowed I would not do this again. 

Now the bad news was ATLAS had been shut down and QUANTUM had taken its place and I had only about 24 hours to check and edit the documents we were to submit as well as to get a grip on the portal. 

If you think you can upload your proposal in one of these portals a few hours just before the deadline, think again. 

First off we couldn't get through because someone in the office had the passwords and no one knew who. 

That's a long story itself. So after half a day hysterically trying to break into my own forgotten email accounts and find old passwords the local donor representatives informed us that the password was with our Executive Director, a brilliant man who on principle does not involve himself with IT functions. And why should he? But then... the next question is.. why should he have the passwords? That intellectual giant was in the middle of a string of high level policy formulation meetings and didn't fancy passing OTPs to me with annoying regularity. That's a different problem which we solved at the end of the day by begging for our own account. Until then if you left the computer for about half an hour the whole portal shut  down and you had to call the person with the OTP passcodes. If you think you can have lunch or go for a bath or even take a decent dump during this process, perish the thought. Do you want to keep disturbing a grouchy workaholic non -profit Executive Director ...?

But what about Tec Sup you may ask? For this proposal we had some wonderfully co- operative Sri Lankan officers - but then 1) for transparency reasons they cannot actually go inside our profile to help us and 2) during the previous submission during the new year season there was no one contactable and we were advised to write to Bangkok ... one letter took 4 days to reach us- my question being why cant the portal be made straightforward in the first place. With large buttons at the crucial points. with highlighted emphasis on the important areas and without standards letters from the UN taking up half a page.? 

Steps to the Countdown

• Start by watching the 2 hour webinar on how to work with the portal. You need to watch the whole hundred minutes whether you want to enter a fully fledged 3 year contract to construct a dam in Burkino Faso or whether you just want to supply bananas at the canteen. Then there's a hundred and eleven page user guide which if you follow carefully, promises to explain this insanity. Even if you know your Office software and three programming languages this is still torture.

• The whole QUANTUM PORTAL does not allow bookmarks or links (because they want to be more secure than even HSBC) so there is no way to save any reference point to be able to get back to it - you will have to memorise the entire pathway of each time you want to reach a page. If you make a wrong turn you end up in a dead end and you cannot go BACK (there is no back button) Theres a DONE button but thats different. It means you did whatever you wanted to do but it doesn't navigate you away...
• Click Supplier portal in the Cover letter . It will be your launching point.(But it wont be in large letters or highlighted or anything. You will have to read the whole page to locate it ) It might be slightly blue, but there are other blue text bits just to make the whole thing interesting. Like various email links...imagine searching for it an hour away from the deadline
• In the Supplier portal at the left hand lower corner under NEGOTIATIONS, click MANAGE RESPONSES. This is a very important first step and of course the words will be discreetly hidden at the bottom of the page to throw you off.
• In the MANAGE RESPONSES page click your RFP (this is after you have searched for half an hour for the relevant RFP and then expressed your interest in it) There isnt an easy search feature. You have to adjust variables regarding the region, time period and whether you were invited to bid- one wrong answer and nothing happens. In your REQUEST FOR PROPOSAL PAGE you have to click CREATE RESPONSE. You may want to know the difference between MANAGE RESPONSE and CREATE RESPONSE, because ultimately they seem to do the same thing (-which is draft your bid in stages- and thus could simply have been called DRAFT YOUR DAMN BID). Well its another of those mysteries and it was just done to confuse things. Just do as they say, after all Donors Know Best  
• In the CREATE RESPONSE PAGE most of the page is taken up by a standard letter from the UN  but there there are 4 discrete links in the left hand corner - Overview, Requirements, Line, Review...
• If you click OVERVIEW you get a page which is mostly white space but you can put the reference number and save  something-and send any comment to the UN. That seems to be the whole point of the entire page. That and hosting other buttons which were repeated on all the other pages...
• In the REQUIREMENTS page in the right hand side is a tiny drop down menu with five sections - General /Administrative/ Bidder Declaration / Technical Proposal /Financial Proposal - each has sections that need to be edited and attachments need to be uploaded where I found a tiny discrete dull black plus sign (+) like my cats anus when she's not suffering from Irritable Bowel . Unlike her ass, the plus sign is about the size of a sodding match-head so that you need a magnifying glass to find it, if you even begin to guess that an ass-shaped plus sign could be so fundamentally important. But without it you cannot begin to upload stuff  Of course you would know how important it is if you had read the %#$@ manual, all one hundred and ten pages of it, but remember the deadline for uploading is only twenty hours away, thanks to miscoordinations between Admin and Finance etc etc  
• Then also in the REQUIREMENTS page there is a tiny line FONT SIZE 6 or something which says  Kindly upload financial proposal documents in financial section (Financial Evaluation - Commercial) only. If your financial proposal is visible in any part of the technical section, your proposal will be disqualified.  NICE TOUCH United Nations, NICE TOUCH! although this probably also disqualifies anyone over 45 because we cannot read text at that size! oh wait, did you know that if you hold down CTRL + Scroll you can adjust the size of what you are reading? No? Ok, well I did and it didn't really help me!  
• The LINES page is because the UN sometimes needs one whole page of webspace to enter the budget total into one tiny box one inch across/ sometimes if they feel frisky they will ask for a breakdown based on deliverables... 
• Most of the dialogue boxes are the size of one large sentence of text and have unwieldly scroll buttons, but the page is large and bare: In fact overall the whole QUANTUM portal has a lot of white space that feels as soothing as a strobe light in a mental asylum. I can feel my left eye twitching as I write this.

Im sure the IT Crowd who developed it will have lots to say about their lovely secure portal. Trust me I welcome a debate on it: I WANT  to be proven wrong by people who have used the site and found it lovely, functional, practical. 

What I did hear though is that a number of grassroots organizations (read, simple genuine people with actually functional ideas who don't know about the portals made-up jargon) with proposals drafted in advance had given up bidding when they came to the portal simply because they didn't have technical people who could figure out that twaddle with a deadline looming over them.(or perhaps couldn't read the important print in font size 6)   

And these are just a few of my experiences over the space of 36 harrowing hours trying to upload a last minute proposal to help drought and/or conflict-ridden third world communities. 

The more evil comments I feel like making have been self censored. 

I will need a month of meditation to get over this one. 

hanwella7@gmail.com  

The housewives guide to competing for freelance work

The housewives guide to competing for freelance work

• Chandrika Gadiewasam for Kathru.com

How to actually find rewarding work from home? 

Be available. Be dependable. And deliver on time! 

You know who they are, they sidle up to you at various functions and say that they are looking for work, and giggle bashfully and say can you send some work their way. 

Comfortable looking, slightly frumpy stay-at-home moms, previously smart, professional,  gainfully occupied women, now stuck at home with a kid, a dog or more challenging- a husband. Suddenly they want work, they want the money, but they are simply incapable of understanding that dread word " deadlines."

Well, deadlines are deadlines whoever you are, and companies have to work with deadlines. That's how they make the money with which you are paid. You have to understand this. Frankly I've personally had it with employing housewives to do my sub-contracts. Here's why. As an employer I'm completely fed up with the pall of apathy that falls over them once they are in the domestic environment, shielded by the comforting financial security of a possibly bossy husband and the large and incredibly varied list of excuses that they can effortlessly manufacture at home. The list of excuses I've been given by housewives who fail to meet deadlines they have sincerely committed to, is painfully inexhaustive (though exhausting to look at) and boggles the mind. 

• I had to cook for my son (the guy was about 15 at the time mind you)

• Weekends I have to do the laundry/ bathe the dog…

• My husband and I had a trip planned for the long weekend 

• We had an almsgiving

• I have to wrap my kids' exercise books for next term…

• my internet isnt working (for the last 3 months)

I'm sorry and please consider me a completely insensitive, cold hearted, spoilsport who doesn't understand. If you expect to be given freelance work and if you aren't among the echelons of the great and famous freelancers who can afford to turn up their noses at decently paying work - then my dears, you have to be available, be dependable and be able to deliver on time.

I'm not saying to agree to unreasonable nonsense from employers. Low payment is one set of nonsense and nasty deadlines are another. A potential contractor once told me that I would get four days to proofread his entire annual report and said the previous proofreader had passed away. Why am I not surprised? He probably tried giving him a two day deadline and the man likely had a heart attack. Don't agree to nonsense like that. But within reasonable pay and reasonable deadlines and with a sense of empathy for the employer's point of view, please do your best to budget the time you need, add a comfortable margin for unexpected but inevitable domestic chaos, and quote in a way that is fair to you and fair to your contractor.

Another thing, when you work from home the home folks tend to think they can still expect the usual attention from you, which is not fair on you because you will be multitasking and you will be stressed. So before you agree to a contract, please do enlist the support of your mother in law, husband, children and perhaps even the dog, by explaining to them that for a while your work will be priority and they must support you, be quiet and get some of their own stuff sorted. Lock yourself away in a studio or take the laptop to the bathroom if needed, where you will not be disturbed. Promise everyone a reward after everything is over, and reward yourself too! 

That way you will make a reputation for being dependable, which is the difference between being hired, and being passed over. Like a number of very sweet, earnest and enthusiastic friends of mine, who I would never actually dream of doing business with…

  
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Also read this article to understand why women's participation in the labour force is good for everyone. 

WAY TO GO, ROVER

WAY TO GO, ROVER 

written and illustrated by Sakuntala Sachithanandan – 2023.…

Book review by Chandrika Gadiewasam

Rover arrives at Gamini's house unexpectedly, bundled out of a bag – much to innocent Gamini's delight but to the intense annoyance of granny Siriyawathie. He is a very small puppy ,found on the street  by an uncle.

He is very small, lonely and terrified and he pees uncontrollably when he gets scared which is quite often…Many things scare him including the huge angry broom-wielding Siriyawathie.  Sriyawathie thinks Rover is a filthy cur because  - simply because he is  a dog and she did not wish to spend her valuable time on looking after dogs. True enough, somehow, her grandson has brought him to stay, but  she mistreats him, screams continuously at him and generally starves him.

Quoting Zelda, the clever lizard watching it all from next door and creeping over to Gamini's garden now and then, "she absolutely hates anything that walks on four legs or more, or flies. Most of all, a doggy who wags his tail, rolls on his back and grins". 

Though he has been rescued from certain starvation and/or being crushed under a vehicle in the cruel world, sometimes Rover's  home  life seems worse than death. Rover is a baby after all and only wants some love and freedom  to run and play and may be an old shoe to chew on because he is teething. But he's left  locked up all day in a small wooden prison in his own pee.

In the next door garden,  Zelda the lizard , a kingfisher, Pilihudda and the next door pets, four doggies  and plump pampered feline Chickadee, discuss his existence sadly and hope that things will improve for him. 

When I got my hands on this book the first thing  that impressed me was  the collection of  attractive watercolor sketches  by the author, then the simple refreshing writing style which was a delight for the adult reader too. But this book isn't just a story or cartoon, it has a much, much deeper message and I for one do hope that this will find its way to being translated into SInhala to reach as many children as possible!

Life isn't a bed of roses, as even children have to understand. In Way to Go, Rover, author and animal welfare activist Sakuntala Sachithanandan is speaking with great sensitivity of the common  fate of thousands of innocent puppies in Sri Lanka, where people often do not spay their animals due to religious reasons but are happy to abandon the litters on the road to die starving, be eaten by predators or be mangled by speeding vehicles. The book is released in an era where animal cruelty has reached hitherto unheard of heights. With her detailed, sensitive and occasionally humorous commentary on Rover's life through the eyes of two garden creatures, Zelda and the king fisher  Pilihudda, Sakuntala hopes to instil love and concern for animals among the younger generation, and unlikely though it is in the real world, show how at least Rover can escape his sad destiny. 

Based on a hundred and one true stories, Way to Go Rover is a children's book, but it should definitely be read by adults too. Not just to take you back to easy going narrative and attractive illustrations - but because it gives a very human and empathetic look into the life of a living, breathing little being, man's Best  Friend,  who would otherwise have been  overlooked. Though Sakuntala has targeted children and therefore tried to keep the narrative light and humorous in the dialogue among  the other garden animals, if one reads between the lines, the suffering of Rover is quite difficult to bear. The reader hopes desperately that something will change, and Rover will somehow find safety and love. Will he prevail and will he be able to run free at last? Children and adults will want to read this story to the end to find out!

A lawyer by profession, Sakuntala is also a poet and artist and WAY TO GO, ROVER includes her delightful watercolour  illustrations which are a treat to the eye.

This book is on sale at  S.GODAGE & BROTHERS (PVT) LTD.  No.661,675,675, - P.de S.Kularatne Mawatha,  Colombo 10