Saturday, September 30, 2006

why this cow went off milk is not a site for the faint hearted, nor should you visit it if you want to continue enjoying your burghers. and if you want to visit a website which actually worked on me, a simple bit of http which totally changed my life, then step where angels fear to tread.
its nasty, its pukish and its logical. .True hell is a place on earth,in fact ,if you are a lactating bovine mammal- its earth . You will never be able to forget these sites, so be warned.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Why I love Sri Lanka...

Yo peeps yo always hear me bellyaching about Sri Lankan buses, trafffic and sexual harrasment but I just read about why there is no rape in Pakistan and at the end of that, tremendous feelings of adoration for my smelly mother land and its despotic Buddhist Government flooded my heart: I take back every word I ever said abuot GOSL , here I am on my knees kissing the dubiously shaped rubble of my office driveway :- Im glad Im a Sri Lankan cow and not governed by :

The Hadood Ordinance subsumes adultery, fornication, rape and prostitution under the rubric zina and treats them as offences against the State. With the adoption of Hadood laws, for the first time in Pakistan’s history, fornication (extra-marital sex) was rendered illegal and along with adultery, non-compoundable,1 non-bailable2 and punishable by death (Human Rights Watch, 1992: 34).

The level of proof required to convict a man of rape is extremely high *and in effect the same as that required to convict for adultery. In the absence of the necessary proof of non-consent, the accused is released for lack of evidence while the woman who has alleged rape is vulnerable to being convicted of adultery. Under the terms of these laws, the rape complaint is itself a confession of zina. If convicted under the Ordinance, the rape victim is sentenced to one hundred lashes if she is unmarried and to death by stoning if she is married.

*if the accused a) confesses (in which case- stoning !) or b) there are four adult, pious, male muslim witnesses to the act of penetration

English translation : FOUR(4) religious old MALE geezers have to COMFIRM that rape occured IN FRONT OF THEM otherwise the woman gets executed...

For the record :when I say I love Sri Lanka I DO NOT mean literally.I am EXTREMELY monogamous by nature.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

of primates and pachyderms

Yes, about the Horror photo post, you were right - it was a grey languar.and this is the same one caught with the Minolta last Saturday from my balconey and I live only 20 minutes away from Flower Road, so either Im using a truely fantastic zoom or there are gray languars near Colombo.
Another of my favourite subjects, as you know, is elephants and I came across this curious bit of news on the net about using Chilies in the human elephant conflict in Africa.
has it been done here and how come it seems to be working with these great big extra nasty Africans - perchance the Asians actually like chillie? anyone got any info on that ?

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Perils of travelling without an ID in Colombo

I got "copped" twice yesterday - first time cos I couldnt produce my ID , (and 3 blokes from my office have spotted me being interrogated on Greenpath) and the second time...welll, the guy actually came to my office with this great big "Special Task Force " badge pinned on his lapel

Ok ,Im kinda joking, I admit- this, at last, is AP , my favourtie Law Enforcement person (the coffin- on- toes episode and the ten points about dating a cop,remember ?) and this time he condescended to pose for a photo.
He is unfortunately unable to smile having suffered loss of nerve signals to one side of his face, but this is nothing really unusual as he does not smile much anyway- in his profession wondering if he will see the next Sunday there is nothing much to smile about. I totally understand.
The trouble with me is no matter how good looking a bloke is I need to be around someone smiley. So you see why this wont work.

Girls , never forget that ID in the morning and
ladies...if this is your husband nows the chance to start questioning him..

Monday, September 25, 2006

only in Sri Lanka?

Statement by the Asian Human Rights Commission (AHRC)
SRI LANKA: The Human Rights Commission of Sri Lanka has stopped investigations into 2000 disappearance cases to avoid having to pay government compensation to the victims
In a very strange move that will surprise anyone concerned with the global effort to eradicate disappearances and gross human rights violations, the Human Rights Commission of Sri Lanka (HRCSL), which claims to be the country's prime agency for the protection and promotion of human rights, officially decided to stop further inquiries into disappearance cases unless an order is received from the government to continue with the inquiries as the findings may result in the "payments of compensation etc".
more reading:

I guess this would actually be funny if it was happening to some other peoples- ....say the Swazilanders or Inner Mongolians....but this is the same lovely Sri Lanka which is pushing a one Mr Jayantha Dhanapala ( forward to audition for UN Sec Gen,isnt it?

Sunday, September 24, 2006


Had a rather odd vaguely erotic nightmare of the “Bug man” in X files trying to do something invasive to me( and succeeding). This involved being pinned down by a giant upright insect with a million eyes and a huge proboscis which was doing something to my *forehead* which felt awfully good and tickled at the same time.
This proves I am something of a pervert since most normal woman would have dreamt of Mulder, if the nights theme was X files.

Note to self : Must cut down on the usage of “SOFFEL “ in the evenings .

Worth a thousand..

Yes that is the finger he is showing there.
This is from my treasured copy of The Last Hero (Terry Prattchett) the art is by Paul Kidby, an artist truely in tune with Pratchettes vibes.
wikipedia has an entry on this work of art
you can also read about the
The Thieves' Guild which "was established early in Lord Havelock Vetinari's rule of Ankh-Morpork. Lord Vetinari realised that what people crave is stability, and that, while it is impossible to stamp out crime altogether, it is possible to regulate it. The major gang leaders of the city were therefore called to the Patrician's Palace, where they agreed to be held responsible for ensuring a socially acceptable number of thefts."
and lots more about Ankh Morpork, one of the most interesting cities after Colombo for people who like living on the edge...
note "While initially the main money-making venture of Thieves' Guild members remained theft, albeit under strict guidelines and leaving a receipt, more recent books show a system of "insurance", whereby people may pay a fee directly to the Guild and therefore become immune to robbery for a specified period."

ps Part of the Code of Conduct :
Members are required to carry their membership cards during all offcial activites (i.e. crimes).

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

the Truth about Saladin

Growing a 12 inch beard and changing you religion officially seems a lot of trouble to go to to be able to cheat in peace but one of Colombo's online MBA*s has successfully pulled it of. More details at the Grand Kapuwa Expose

* the term refers to people who have officially registered themselves as married but are still widely available. So widely it would impress us normal puny mortals

999 visitors

Thanks all of you for stopping by !Next month , I promise you ....its going to be more interesting,more visual , and I promise Im going to work on my own website too, so please do keep visiting !

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

funny thought for the day

Pottuvil killings: Govt. rejects call for UN probe
By Easwaran Rutnam
The government said yesterday there was no need for international assistance to investigate the Pottuvil killings and the trend which took centre stage following the killing of aid workers in Mutur should be avoided.
Defence spokesman Keheliya Rambukwella told a news conference, Sri Lanka had the expertise to carry out a full probe and assured the truth would be revealed once a statement was recorded from the lone survivor.

Sri Lanka ? Expertise ? dont make me laugh.
on second thoughts ,make me laugh,since it releases endorphins and all that ,but leave that poor Lone Survivor alone.Please.

from the pre blog Diaries

Dec 12th 2005
Someone once told me that having lots of cats was a sign of mental instability!

*Shucks!* I cant remember where I buried him...!

from the days before Blog

Twiggy called me on Thursday and asked me what people do when raped. I was in the middle of selling three MootPoints to a chap from the Ministry of Defense so I told him to take a seat and told her that the usual procedure was to get a medical examination ,file a police entry and take the Morning After Pill asap and could I get back to her as I was busy.
She asked me petulantly if I wasn’t going to enquire as to who had been raped – so I said I was not really that curious,right now.
She said it was she who had been raped , so I said oh that’s terrible, in that case did she want to talk about it...and shall I come and provide moral support etc etc?
Then she giggled and said she was joking so I said in that case could I call her back .

I was a bit worried later on, as to whether this could be slightly true or it may be a “ cry for help” kind of thing but a mutual friend suggested that if it was actually her who had been raped , we should probably find the rapist and offer him psychiatric counseling, see if he is still coherent ,that sort of thing….

20th July 2005 From the pre blog Diaries of Al Juhara

Friday, September 15, 2006

the REAL answers...

-to all the problems I could ever dream up...have apparently fallen in my junk mail in box,it would appear !

SHUCKS! so this is why I always feel that Im actually missing out on that indefinable somthing that everyone else seems to be enjoying around me!!!

why did I not search for all this before,contented placid lump that I am?!

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

anger management...

Its soundless, you can roll it and put it in your pocket, its as flat as a cardboard file and you can pretty much pour coffee all over it ,no problem- its just LKR 500/= and available from Global High Technologies in Liberty Plaza...but ...
looking closely* at the 'manual ' I discovered that there are some things you are just not allowed to do with your new high tech rollable keyboard....
for example having "putted it in the oven and roasted it"would strictly be a violation of all warrenty terms... !
well, I confess there have been really bad traffic days in Colombo but I personally have never actually had to consider microwaving my keyboard...
but its a thought...

*yes, you can click on that photo to read the details

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Seriously ....

Ever considered….
That modern Sinhala Buddhist marriage seems to be one of the strangest legal agreements around. We enter into a legally binding contract ,sign on a dotted line in front of respected witnesses , and its even filmed on tape-but what we are actually signing for is only very vaguely defined – based on old wives tales and assumptions - there is no ten page contract with large and little print, and the parties to this contract hardly even know beyond the basic theory.

What you are actually signing about is in fact open to as many radical ,personalized and individual interpretations* as the people signing it, but beyond the fact that this man and woman are legally bound to each other, nothing about the nitty gritty is really even spoken aloud, let alone written anywhere…and the funny part is when you try to extricate yourself from this totally undefined contract you need to pay lawyers to help you out and your spouse invariably has better ones who screw up the rest of your life.

Havn’t you seen countless middle aged guys veritable slaves , dolling out princely monthly ransoms for a crime they never committed , that mistaken assumption that marriage would bring them happiness and social acceptance- ...and those countless young women dragging through each miserable day of servitude only because they feel bound by a signature ,but bound to what exactly no one really defines…

There are not ever basic lines in that contract –
1) I agree not to screw around at least not obviously
2) You signing here does not give me the right to beat you up, treat you like a slave and extort your inheritances.
3) I agree if there are kids fathered/mothered by me Ill provide for them/take care of them at least equally.
You'd think these were kind of obvious but there are people out there who thought so and found there wasn’t any legal recourse at the end of the day….their spouses continuously break the most fundamental tenets of the institution day after monotonous day and there is basically nothing they can do…

*rather like the Sri Lankan constitution

Aljuhara apologises for getting all serious, this gloomy Monday : A small plank fell on my head on Sunday when I was trying to fix a light fitting in our ceiling .This is the result.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Cool Colombo Tip

This is roughly where I am right now ...and this is where you find the Pretty Cool Interactive Colombo Map with Zoom:

you type in the street name you want and in theory you get directed to that street. Wonder how they do that.

and no,for the record there is no space to park an elephant in Flower Rd.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

under a palm tree

This is the mural I painted on my living room wall. I like the feeling of island idyl it gives our house. Cant you almost hear those leaves rustle?
If you click on this photo and look closely you will even spot the rubber snake, I pasted on with super glu.
I also like snakes.
Rumour has it that we have a cobra in our backyard whos been living there the last 20 years doing nothing subversive.
I have to admit however that I hate super glu.
It sticks on anything but what you want it to stick on and it leaves your fingers totally sensationless for the rest of the day.

Top Ten Signs you are dating a cop

10 . Mysterious scars on his knuckles that he is not willing to explain/fibs about.
9 Lots of grinning references to the old "baton polla."
8 The pet Alsation remains at attention for hours until he remembers to tell it to relax.
7 He insists on sweeping the hotel bedroom for hidden devices before beginning dinner.
6 Your ex-es are suddenly oddly polite and formal with you and any new friends think twice before calling you "babes"
5 He wakes up suddenly at sharp 5 am, reciting the Miranda Clause.
4 Needs to practice half an hour of tai chi to get the bowels moving each morning.
3 Recites the penal code when he’s trying to get some asleep: All 376 sections of it.
2 Has a note saying POLICE LINE :DO NOT CROSS across his mini bar.
and the number one sign you are dating a cop ...

1. Handcuffs don't actually turn him on.

Aljuhara begs forgiveness:- three of these funny lines are from a website somewhere else on the net.
The other 7 are from personal experiance. ..

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Peace Confidence Index-funny but true

I cant beleive this - can you ?Sri Lankans!!!

Majority prefer India in facilitator role
Rasika Somarathna
COLOMBO:A majority of the Sinhala community has picked India as the most suitable country to play the facilitator role in the peace process.

amazingly SHORT memory spans we seem to have (and Im not referring to my grandma here - she usually couldnt remember who I was although I tried to take her olives and fig biscuits at least once a month-)....can any one remember what happened the LAST time we asked India to interefere ?sorry , intervene?
EVEN MORE Murder, Rape, Arson and coconut- rights violations* than we usually have...
plus they lost their prime minister. we were practically crying and begging for them to butt out at the end of that! REMEMBER?!?

* you may have never considered this, but coconuts have feelings too.they SUFFER due to people continously bashing them on stone altars to impress deities, in order to have their mundane material wishes fulfilled. ..

ps For the record. I have nothing against Indians .They are smart, beautiful ,intelligent and sophisticated and have learnt how to laugh at themselves which, above all, is my idea of civilisation.

letter from Zorro

Dear Aljuhara

on the entrities of my beautiful better half Kumarihamine I haf decided to take your kind offer and veesit Colombo to see what I can do there. .....
Also since you have all taken so much time to design an environment friendly uneeform for me. .....

How ever getting the Veesa may take some time ,Im trying for 3 months tourist veesa with flexibility to extend it but the SL embassy is being reelly constiptaional* about it.

meanwhile since I understand the innocent people of your lovely country are having so many problems in life can I direct you to a wonderfully promising website…
where you can find the Love Wanga , Money Wanga, Luck Wanga and even the Weight Loss Wanga . If you are a real economist at heart you will see at once that it is the All Purpose Wanga that fits your budget

etc etc
yours truely

*editors note - I think he means anal

Monday, September 04, 2006

Horrible religious history...

  • Its true I bellyache about what pathetic Buddhists we are in Sri Lanka , but have you ever stopped to consider what we would be called if Buddha hadn’t existed?

    Well according to the standard 9 Buddhism text book we might have ended up being sorry creatures called Kesakambalists, Pakuda Kachchayanists or worst of all Belliattaputtists- (who had,if Im correct, no theory about anything!)these were apparently the major theories in India just before Buddha began to clean up all the misunderstandings.

    How do I know – well last Sunday my house was overrun by kids as it usually is on weekends and one of them happened to be cramming for her Buddhism exam (this is Grade 9) I had a peep at the standard textbook and this was quite *enlightening* to say the least

    So to get this clear there were 5 main theories put forward about the meaning of life,death and our ultimate agendas (in those sorry times before cable TV) and they were :
  • Poorna Kassapas – he said “ there is no real cause or effect in killing stealing ,making sacrifices, being good or in fact doing anything at all…”
  • Makkalee Gosala who said “ Theres no reason for creatures being born, death, no reason to be clean* (arrk !) Everything has no cause or reason (basically he was a FATALIST) everything is pre planned pre decided and all creatures have to live exactly 84 eons in Samsara in misery and then find automatic Nirvana (gulp!)
  • Ajitha Kesakamabala (and from his name I can visualize a real trendy young evangelist like the Siriasa Isuperistar…)who said “the four elements come together to form life (duh ! but I guess the Indians of that time thought it was pretty deep-) which elements separate and then there is death –no reincarnation(what ! you mean that’s IT?I would not give up the theory of reincarnation for anything in the world . It means I can be 16 again at some point!)
  • Pakuda Kachchayana “no here and no hereafter,”(pretty much same as above)**
    and finally
  • Sanjaya (another film star type Indian I bet-) Bellatiputta- “ who when asked about the meaning of life, death and human being -“ lokaya ho vimukthia pilibanda va kisindhu adhahasak prakasha no kaleya,” ….which is , kind of , “no comment,”….can you beat that ?bet he grew fat and rich on that theory!

personally ...There are not much of us left, but Im sure glad I got to be a Buddhist...

* anyone who dosent beleive me read page 22 of the standard Govt Buddhism text book Grade 9

** HEY! get your own theory!!

Sunday, September 03, 2006

super hero costume designer wanted

this is with reference to our humble entreaty by email to Zorro( who has retired and now lives in Copacabana,with his lovely sri lankan concubine Kumarihamine and a cat named Zhivago) to please come over and save Colombo from Murder ,Rape,Arson and Generous Dallops of Nepotism, - the gentleman has posted a comment on our blog which reads:

zorro said...
Are you nuts? do you have any idea how hot Colombo is ,if you are compelled to wear a black cape,leather boots and crocodile skin underwear on the outside- the chaffing is horrendous..Im sorry I cant save your city unless someone designs a more comfortable uniform for me..

any ideas, you creative folks out there...?

Colombo horror photo of the month

YIKES ! what *is* that thing on my roof?
is it a bird?
is it a plane ?
is it a chupacabra?*
the answer next time
Hint - actually its a stunt to get you all to visit this blog plus its me showing off the capability of my newly acquired Konica Minolta-
photograph copyright aljuhara aka Chandrika Gadiewasam
* dont know what a chupacabra is? Watch X Files more often!