Sunday, January 21, 2007

Spooking people ?Ill do it MY WAY,thanks!

Ten things I wouldn’t be caught dead doing:

Having been a steadfast fan of ghost stories and horror films for the last 30 years, I have decided to face the fact of my inevitable mortality and subsequent passage onwards with some creativity on my part which I hope will continue to confuse and intrigue people long after I am dead and (at least nearly) gone.
Once a geek always a geek though and technology is going to play a large part in my afterlife too, you can be sure.
For example here’s a list of ten things I just won’t be caught doing, in the afterlife, because Ill be doing it my way:

I will not walk through doors; just to be sure I’m not invading anyone’s privacy , Ill knock cheerfully first and identify myself before blasting my way in with a borrowed machine gun: beat that for cool.

I will not hover, wave or materialise shakily because I think that’s a sign of an insecure ego (or worse, low cellular signals). Instead I will appear solidly accompanied by the sound of Windows starting up and speak clearly and unmistakeably, when I warn people about impending doom or whatever message from beyond I’m supposed to deliver.

My presence will not be announced by a vague feeling of cold and dread. Instead there will be a positively warm fuzzy feeling when I enter the room: and animals will simply love me, as always.

I will not visit the dentist every six months. I won’t have to. That’s one of the perks of being dead.

I will not be answering my email. Lord knows, I’ve wanted a plausible excuse not to have to.

I will not posses innocent Catholic teenagers. There are, instead, a few corrupt local politicians and unkind extremist terrorists whose lives I would like to plague. But I will not paste them on the ceiling and make them froth at the mouth because it just looks silly. Instead I’ll mess up their backup drives and cause them to lose valuable data which will definitely traumatise them much more.

If I’m ever caught on camera , I will make sure that it looks like a crude Photoshop paste job gone wrong plus I will positively ensure that my hair is tied up into a neat pony tail and not hanging wetly over my face no matter how good it is!

I will not tolerate sombre orchestral music in any cinematic reconstruction of my manifestations .Instead there should be something with beat like Ricky Martins Livin La Vida Loca or the frog song.

I will not hang about haunting my family or home. Sweet though they are, that would be dead boring.*and I have been trying to get away from them for years. I will instead board a world cruise and visit all the places and countries that I couldn’t afford the tickets to, for the first 300 years of my new existence. Then I will get on a space shuttle and head out to see what life is like wherever they are heading.

And finally, whilst not scaring and not boring people I will also not be using my powers for personal gain since Im dead. But I will be involved in a lot of mysterious and irreversible funds transactions that mess up the civilised world’s perception of electronic money. That way Sub Saharan Africa and Bangladesh will suddenly find that they are two of the richest nations in the world and the USA will have to borrow from Latin America. Paris Hilton will have to attend collage and get a job, most of her wealth having inexplicably been donated to the Cambodian “Save the Orang-utan” Fund. And neither will Angelina Jolie nor Mrs or Mr Bill Gates in anyway be affected. However the latter will not be able to figure out what happened, or how to reverse it.

· Pardon the pun. Well, no, actually on second thoughts, its quite a good pun if I do say so myself, so don’t.
more ideas on doing the afterlife thing your way? add comments here!


al juhara said...

it has been brought to my notice that there are no rescuable Orangutans in Cambodia. Never mind, because Im sure that if you gave the Cambodians a big enough Grant they will want to conserve Orangutans WHERE EVER in the world they are. Thats the power of money!

N said...

I was going to scratch my head, give the computer a perplexed look and mutter "Cambodian orangutans?!" to myself....but I see you've beat me to it :)

al juhara said...

tis not easy doing this sort of list with all the pressure Im currently undergoing(more details soon) It needs polishing, I admit.But then hopefully its set in the right track...:-)
thanks for dropping by...