Sunday, February 04, 2007

LOVE IS IN THE AIR

But hello, some of us prefer oxygen…

And so pretty soon itll be Valentines Day. And let me warn you smug, settled twosomes out there, as you wait in anticipation of that sickening waist thickening box of chocolates or the bourgeois frigid roses imported from Copenhagen,which could single – rosedly fund a meal for twenty five local IDP’s….. – that I’m about to attack your comfortable bubble of contentment, and rather rudely at that.

And lest you conclude that I am commenting with the jaded attitude of someone who cant get into this rosy state, let me declare that I have been there, done that Ive reached that stage where I actually find it funny(thats Ally for you) which could be why, the last time someone extremely suitable gathered up the courage to propose suit to me, I actually burst into helpless laughter and had to change the subject in case he took offence. (You can be sure he didn’t do it again)
Its not that I have any thing against romance, its just that there are so many excellent reasons to remain in blessed singledom, a FEW of which Im going to list below:

Benefit Number One : Peaceful Slumber.
My slumber is now truly peaceful and unruffled since the date around four years ago when I last extricated myself from the deep and emotionally charged partnership I was in . It is now only broken occasionally by comparatively desperate insomniacs who are in the thick of intense and committed long term relationships and thus on the verge of suicide / self mutilation and/ or serious damage to property due to some profoundly convoluted argument stemming from a basic disagreement as to who should take out the garbage. So I refer to my otherwise redundant MEN ARE FROM MARS Manual and groggily read out a few basics before I turn the bedside light off and lapse back into happy oblivion. IN case of further disturbance my Nokia has an excellent function which silences further calls from any particular number so that I can view them with detached fascination the next morning and speculate clinically at the varying occurrences of attempted contact, 2 am, 3am 5 am etc.
Let me blow my trumpet a bit here, but I admit to higher levels of EQ and a good telephone voice – both of which combine to result in me being something of an agony aunt to my friends and contacts, although some of the advice I give would definitely not be sanctioned by the Samaritans or even the local Police come to think of it (“so what, hit him back!” or “ Why not adopt a cat – TODAY! Or : “Hey you need to watch BORAT it’ll take your MIND off things…”)
But what does one do when faced with mind-boggling conundrums like:
Aunty Al, shes driving me nuts, she smashed the Flatron today…. Or,
Aunty Al, I love him but I don’t like sex …or
Aunty Al, I think she’s having an affair with a tuktuk driver ,what do I do ? or
Aunty Al, I love her but she doesn’t like sex…and last but not least-
WOTS A G SPOT *


Benefit Number Two : Sheer Independence :
Guys this is one for you. You can work late, get sloshed, get delayed or get laid and you don’t have to explain it to anyone. You can fill your USB drive with hardcore pornography and you don’t need to justify it. And you retain rights to your phone and gmail inboxes. Holidays are something you can actually look forward to, where you RELAX , not drive someone around to in law dinners.Have I given those committed family dudes a slight pang here….?

Benefit Number Three No more faking it
Lets be honest about this girls, we love them but we need only about a quarter of the actual physical intimacy they do. The rest of the time we have to not just grin and bear , but fake it convincingly and there’s the worry about what would happen if we don’t. The onus is on us to get them to stick to one supplier and it gets harder with the years. And then there’s all those mysterious female conditions that happen when you are um, sexually active. Face it lots of those weird funguses and Itises not to mention having to depend on those horrid fattening daily supplements are undoubtedly the by product of all that sweet loving .
Darned if you do, darned if you don’t.


Benefit Number Four. Less Pollution.
Its kind of complex but please bear with me. All this loving means you’re expected to get hitched and then society expects you to procreate. Its odd, because there are about a quarter million orphans in this country alone, who need parents, and there is nowhere in the Constitution that says you are supposed to add to the population. But you go do the I DO thing and all the neighbors- and old wives and new aunts and the lot of them, mostly female , can think about is, “what no kids yet?” So you submit to that pressure. Please don’t get me wrong – I have nothing against kids , precious darlings, its just that I wonder why its so totally compulsory to reproduce once you are mated, almost as its imperative on any one in romance to get hitched, regardless of whether you can provide comfortably for them or even have any idea of the real meaning of what you are about to do.
The results, of this social pressure, who honestly look as if they wish they had never been born, can be seen each morning in Colombo, freshly powdered and stuffed vertically and sometimes horizontally into smokey windowed school vans and buses.( Ive since figured that dusting them with talcum powder is a sort of friction reducing thing to make it easier for them to claw their way out of the buses when they reach school..)
Then there are the “luckier” lots who are piled onto over crowded motorcycles, I often speculate on how they chose which one should be at the back of a bike seating five…do they draw straws, or is it that just by co incidence its always the little girl in the family- And how do you think she feels about more siblings?
In conclusion – is it just me or would it seem that the less love there is, the more peace and happiness there will be all around?

So there you have my complex and admittedly somewhat unfeeling theory about how Valentine is ultimately responsible for the traffic in Colombo, but, as an afterthought, please don’t let that cramp your style. Be there, do that, and, as they say in the Sunscreen song, “throw away the old bank statements but keep: your old love letters!” the reason for that is, of course, they may be harder to come by in future…
See, some people are actually figuring out that Valentine’s Day isn’t actually compulsory.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
For true malcontent, google for “alt.suicide.valantines day survival kit”, and order your “HATE IS GREAT” and “SCREW VALANTINES DAY” T Shirts, although I would personally draw the line at bombing the Hallmarks outlets- since after all, although I think love sucks , I do support peace!
* This is rather besides the point I admit. However it wins Ally’s unofficial award for the Single Best Text Message of 2005 and I just had to include it here.

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

I really enjoyed reading your blog about the love bit and totally agree with you. Its just too much of commercialisation in a little box.

Darth Teddy said...

100% with you in the way too commercial and absolute waste of time in relation to V Day ... but ... you seem to be bitter about something more than that ... why so passionate to hate it?

al juhara said...

wal, I was one of those stupid young girls with the Cinderella-complex who thought that if you cook nice, do what youre told and clean up after your ugly sisters, Prince Charming will come and rescue you.
the worst part , is he did,and he was Very Charming about it,until he started turning furry and howling at the moon etc...divorce isnt the word: it was more like excorcism and now I think Im allergic to roses too...

Anonymous said...

I am not a person who believes in Valentines day either but you sound like someone who is desparately trying to convince yourself that love and romance does not need to exist to be happy. Its not a crime to share a box of chocolates or give flowers to someone special and there is certainly nothing silly about it. the unfortunate thing is how media is being manipulated to make valentines day a commercial activity.

al juhara said...

Trust me, at the moment, Ive got high speed broadband and a collection of second hand Nat Geo mags which will last me till next year-so I dont really need to convince my self of anything to be happy.:-)I just am.

cosmo said...

I think you are too emotionally involved in some personal battle to give an unbiased opinion about Valentines day. It has its good side and bad side. u r right anonymous, if someone reallly wants to, they can share the beautiful and pure intentions of valentines day without making it commercial.

dont be so bitter about life and try to enjoy its beauty in whatever little way its presented. we're lucky that in this day and age, where there is no time to tell anyone 'I love you', there is atleast one day of the year to make that effort. for those of you who do not know its historical significance check this out http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Valentine's_Day
aljuhara, I do hope u will find love once again one day and i wish u a wonderful valentines.

Darth Teddy said...

I respect the fact that you are happy ... and I don't contest that ... but bad experiences are part and parcel of the learning curve which is life ... so I believe that one shouldn't write off things but should try and rebuild with all new experiences incorporated.
And yeah ... its sad that V day is so commerciallized. It sort of tends to make observing it an obligation rather than having freedom of choice ...

al juhara said...

Cosmo, thank you for the kind thoughts! But I must say, and no offence intended, that I think you are rather young,and/or you have not been following my blog very closely.If you read it a bit deeper you will find that I do find a lot of beauty eg here and more often a whole lot of funny stuff in life like this and when I can, I share it with you, my dear readers...Happy Reading then....:-)and keep smiling!

(and not only that ,you’ll notice Im getting much better at my embedded HTML ...whoopeee!)

tony said...

i am sad that you're depending on high speed broadband and nat geo mags to keep you happy. you seem to be too bitter about your prince charming turning into an ugly frog. let go of the past aljuhara cos you seem like a really nice girl... and do remember there are no prince charmings in this world; everyone is a mix of good and bad, even you I am sure

al juhara said...

aww... the sentiments of pity Im gettting are really overwhelming but Im afraid none of you can really help me with this problem.although no one ever quite matched to how sykotic the first one was, none of my subsequent princes have been worth even the printing ink on their visiting cards and Im sorry to say I really have given up with searching.Perhaps the root problem is in me, in which case this is a lost cause....Maybe some day Ill have the energy and humour to at least blog about them but for now I dont want to go into it....any further anyway.
as i always say : hakuna matata!

jal- Uhara said...

WOW!
that is about all I can say.
but hey, when you cut all the crap off of valantines day, it's just another sweet day to say "i love you" in asweet way I guess.
but then, al juhara is not the everyday gal, is she?

al juhara said...

hey! get your own exotic arabic pseudonym which has a deep and relevant meaning to the inner person that you are! without messing with mine!grrrr!

al juhara said...

Ok, folks,heres the great confession. I do miss the insomnia inducing character I was with 4 years back, terribly so it is with a miserable jilted sour grapes attitude that Im wrote this jaded article. Hunks may come and hunks may go but that one was the only match that ever came close to being as crazy as I was, and finishing my sentances and reading what I write and..and all of that.We even jointly hated cricket like the plague. Sniff. there now its off my chest, I feel so much lighter....

al juhara said...

...well,maybe not:I think I shall really have to pluck my eyebrows to get rid of that excess weight...but anyway...there you have it...

Tanya J. said...

Hey Al, you don’t have to fake it. If you’re faking it, he’s not doing it right! Love the man I’m with, love what he does to me….. never, ever had to fake it. Oh also, don’t really believe that the onus is on the girls to prevent the guys from straying. It’s a 2 way thing. Keep each other happy and neither will stray. Don’t you think?

al juhara said...

sometimes you do, at least thats what I advise the gals, when they dont seem to apprieciate it like British Airways (-Seven days a week and Both ways?) ...has anyone noticed that this blog is inherently humerous and content is not necessarily meant to be taken dead seriously? I mean,- ehem?but, thanks for dropping by...and-that applies to you too, valuurah, or um, whatever that name was- :-)

Foul 'ol Ron said...

Hello CPG, Do take the time to blog on. We the readers are begining to miss this blog.
Good day then.