Thursday, November 02, 2006

medical reports are in again..

well I dont normally do the cheap trick of copying funny stuff off other websites and pasting here- but for just once I will make an exception possibly because these were so priceless, I dont want to ever lose them (plus I must rememeber never to have myself autopsied without my explicit verbal consent...) (the brackets are mine..)

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce. (I actually personally relate to that one)
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed (must check on that black box!)
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. (Long fingers?)
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. (gulp)
A midsystolic ejaculation murmur heard over the mitral area. (scientific but it sounds pleasent whatever it is)
The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week. (lugubrious-probebly because it takes the turtle two days to travel)
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
She is numb from her toes down.
Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead. (what with the prices at Apollo and all I quite understand-)
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room. (is that what you call an Out of Body Experiance?)
Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress. (who did this exam, did he pass?)
She has no rigors or chills but her husband says she was very hot in bed last night. (wonderful, appriciative men like this are hard to find)
She can't get pregnant with her husband, so I will work her up. (gulp , again)
Whilst in Casualty she was examined, X-rated and sent home. ( oh, the disappointment! )
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared. ( I often wish mine would too-it would be another decidedly bloggable incident)
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983. (Im guessing this lady isnt insured.)
I will be happy to go into her GI system, she seems ready and anxious. (these people must be Chinese)
Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. (no comment)
I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor. (Im at a total loss for words here- think I shall stop now and let you enjoy the remaining reports...)
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission. (I couldnt resist comenting - I know the feeling...)
The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.(thats got to be Dr Who's nasty psychotic cousin)
Healthy-appearing, decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
The patient expired on the floor uneventfully. (How LUCKY can you get? )
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency. (who wouldnt,poor sod)
The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. (jeeze!)
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. (ouch!)
The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary oedema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
Patient has chest pains if she lies on her left side for over a year.
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling much better.
The patient is a 79-year-old widow who no longer lives with her husband. (phew!)
The patient refused an autopsy. (Remind me,I must put this on my "to do" list)
Many years ago the patient had frostbite of the right shoe.
The bugs that grew out of her urine were cultured in the Casualty and are not available. I will find them.
The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints,....


Liberated said...

Thank you for copying and pasting! Just plain hilarious! thank you, I needed a laugh...

Yo said...

Brilliant post. Hilarious!

savi3 said...

lol.. i prefer the abbreviations taken from medical notes eg: FBUNDY (Fucked but not dead yet)... shame i can't remember more but this one seems to have stuck in my mind for some reason :)

al juhara said...

sorry, Ruff dear. Im only taking it out because it sort of disturbs the flow of my post.Please do keep visiting. hope you like the posts.